I Did Not Choose This Life



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I did NOT choose this life.

At age 20, I laid sobbing in my bed as my current boyfriend told be he didn't want to marry me after being together a year. He even told be he was being deployed to Iraq in order to make the breakup make sense. Two days later, I found out he had been seeing someone else a good portion of our relationship and he was actually getting out of the Army.


I cried that ugly cry with the pain in your stomach and the snot coming out like Niagara Falls. Thing was, I was crying more over the loss of the life I had pictured us creating together, rather than the relationship itself. I had pictured being the ultimate military spouse. Dedicated. Loyal. And then I thought about having kids. I just wanted to be a wife and a mom. Was that too much to ask?

God answered that prayer pretty swiftly. My sweet ginger had entered my life slowly, but once we were together it was an explosion of love. We married and got pregnant within 8 months of being together.

Then, the economy crashed. We had bought a house just two months prior, and now we could no longer afford it. Geoffrey had received a pay cut of almost 50%. We had an empty fridge and the bitterness between us began to grow.

I did NOT choose this life.


A year later, things began to pick up and we were pregnant...again. I was miserable. I was still suffering from PPD and my still-fresh marriage was hanging by a thread. Why on earth would God want me to have another child? I begged Him to end my life...daily. I began to get sick all of the time. No one could tell me what was wrong.

I did NOT choose this life.



Fast forward a tiny bit and we paid off all of our debt! Yay! How do we celebrate? We maxed out a credit card for a "well deserved vacation" for our anniversary. I'm pretty sure we argued the whole trip. We just couldn't get along. Oh, and still getting sick.

I did NOT choose this life.


One more baby into the mix and things are slightly getting better. We keep having to sell things to keep up with the house payments, but that's okay-we've put the house up for sale. We're gonna move to the mountains. We are going to follow our dreams. No more small town life, no more house in which everything breaks and we can't afford it anyways, no more being lonely, no more broken family relationships. We are starting fresh because,

I did NOT choose this life.

Two years go by and not a single offer on our house. The debt and stress of it all begins to eat at us even more. Then, one day in Febuary of 2015, my husband came home with all of his stuff from work. He had been fired after working there for 8 years. With tears in my eyes, and a knot in my stomach, I looked at my broken husband and told him I would be there for him no matter what. "What's the worse that could happen, we lose the house?" And that we did. We still had the house up for sale, but couldn't afford to keep the lights on. So we moved into my parents'.


I did NOT choose this life.

We liquidated everything. Sold everything. Paid off what we could. It took 7 months for us to find steady work. In that time, we had our 4th baby. We also had a million people ask why I couldn't go back to work while my husband found a job. I began to get depressed again. Was I failing as a wife? Was I not doing enough? My health began to decline even more, with more symptoms showing, including losing my hair. A LOT of hair.

I did NOT choose this life.


Staying with my parents' was the hardest. How was I supposed to be a homemaker when I didn't even have a home? We knew the burden that the 6 of us could be, so we prayed and prayed that we could get our house back. And we did! But only for a short period. 8 months into we realized the mortgage company was not going to help and our house was auctioned off.

I did NOT choose this life.


Now we are in the present. I am packing up a house that is no longer mine. Searching for a rental house or trailer that will fit our family. It's incredibly hard to not feel like we've gone backwards. Our inexperience and naivety with money has brought us here. Most newlyweds start out in a small, not-so-nice, rental and then move to the suburban neighborhood. We are going from the nice house in a nice neighborhood to the unknown. Our housing options include small houses where we might have our bed in the living room, or trailers in some pretty sketchy areas. Don't get me wrong, after not having my own home for over 6 months-I dare not complain about having our own space. But it's humbling. VERY humbling. It's also not easy to have the outpouring of love from friends and family who have been willing to help us the past two years. It is NOT easy accepting help from others. It's rather embarrassing to lose it all and be transparent about it. But I've always said, I want our situation to be a light to others. I want others to see what the Lord does with two very broken individuals. We don't deserve any of the grace we've been given in this situation-but He's given it freely. That's a testimony in itself of His love-the unconditional kind.



That ugly cry I did ten years ago? I've been doing it quite regularly. This time, instead of begging for a life I want, I'm begging for the life HE wants for us. We've spent the past 9 years trying to live the life of the American Dream-and we honestly didn't realize it. We didn't save. We pursued more stuff and our own dreams than what He desired for us. So, here we are. We're getting a clean slate. We are getting an opportunity to do it all over again. To live a life of holiness rather than a life that serves Dominique and Geoffrey. I want our life to ooze Jesus and to be 100% apparent in the decisions we make. Debt, addictions, stress, & worry are NOT fruits of the spirit.



Ann Voskamp wrote in her article, The Unlikely Thing You Have to Believe When You're Living a Life You Didn't Chose, about a woman seeking the cross she is supposed to pick up. She picks up a gold once but finds it too heavy. She finds a beautiful rose one, but the thorns pierce her skin.

"Finally, she turned and saw a cross she would never choose, plain and worn, but with engraved with a few lines that seemed to call to her, that spoke to who she wanted to become. She didn’t need — or want or choose — this cross instead — but this cross chose her.
And when she carried it, she found it fit her, that it became her, that it let her become more of who she always wanted to be when she let that cross shape her, form her and transform her. It was then that she saw that there, on the underside of the cross, was her own name — this was her own old cross.
This was the one she needed, not another one instead — because Christ had bore all the weight of this one in her stead."




I did not choose this life, but this life chose me.

Is there a moment in your life that you didn't ever imagine happening-yet are thankful for it nonetheless?





3 comments

  1. Thank you for such a beautiful and timely post that spoke volumes of God's love for us as He strengthens during hard times.

    I so said this yesterday, I didn't chose this life/ is this my life?

    I appreciate your sincere heart and transparency. Praying for you and your family.

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  2. I love your transparency! So many "bad" things happen and we often cry out "Why me? I didn't choose this life" But you're right, God is still in control to help us overcome!

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  3. Nice article, thank you for the sharing

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